PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium - The C Factor

Things were hotting up in Kalkan bay.  It wasn't just that the sun had come out -   it seemed to do that every day Louise had noticed, no, it was the tension caused by the impending doom.  The 'Secret Equilibrium' files had to be found quickly or the world would descend into anarchy, chaos and worse, probably.  Avid (ha ha) readers of this story will know that it is only the PH crew who can do this:  the PH crew who have boldly upped and shifted themselves from Brighton to Kalkan, Turkey just to save the world.

Who would think this would be the place to save the world?

Louise had extra worries on her mind.  In front of her were 6 flip flops.  The challenge was to find 2 that matched - and she only had 3 minutes!   It was all too much.  She gave her brain a rest and allowed it to wander back to the carefree days of Brighton life.  Back when the most exciting thing to happen was sitting in a room playing Kim's Game - trying to remember what was on a tray under a cloth:  a camera, a pen.....  it had all been such fun - sometimes a little noisy it's true, but such fun...  OK, concentrate.  Louise only had 1 minute 23 seconds left.

But she was not going to be left to complete her task.  She heard footsteps, and turning round she saw Lyn with a couple of people she knew.  But how did she know them.... don't you just hate it when you can't remember! Were they friends?  People she'd met at a spa?  Or on holiday?

"Heloooo" she said chirpily, "How nice to see you...ur,... lovely....yes!".  Louise paused and looked at Lyn, who was standing there with a huge grin but clearly unable to speak.  It was Kate who solved the puzzle.

She seemed a little indignant to be truthful.  She marched straight up to the taller visitor and said "You've got a nerve coming here.  It's not like your James Bond now you know."  Instantly the pieces fell into place.  Of course it was Pierce Brosnan and with him - not sure he'd want to be called a side kick - was D'arcy alias Colin 'love of Bridget's life' Firth.

Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth wait for their snorkel lesson

Well, this was a surprise.  I expect you want to know why they're here.

It was because of Mrs C of course!  As a location manager in her spare time, she had promised Pierce and Colin that she would find them the ideal location for their sequel to Mama Mia.  A pretty little bay somewhere in the med.   They'd been waiting for her in her office - the potting shed - on the day that they'd been sent out to Turkey.  Snoozing under some sacking on the compost bags, they simply hadn't noticed when the shed had been airlifted out to Kalkan - with them in it!  The first they knew something was up was when the men in black had installed a safe in the shed.  What was going on?

Luckily they remained undetected until Lyn and Chris had appeared.  What a surprise.  Colin and Pierce had heard so much about these two.  How Lyn had been a fan of theirs for years and how Chris hadn't really...  But the strangest thing - and I'm sure you'll agree with me here - was that as well as containing Colin and Pierce, the shed was full of bowls - and yet Emma had not been near it.  No, it was the men in black.  They had been rounding up all the bowls in Kalkan.

Why?  Well I don't know yet.  Find out soon!!!

PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium - pots and snorkels

It was a beautiful morning. The air was clear, the sea glistened in the sun; blue and inviting.

 In a quiet rocky cove by the sea  the PH 'Save the World' team were waiting patiently for their snorkelling lesson.

Across the bay could be heard the faint shrieks of their students enjoying themselves at the Kalamar Bay Beach club: jumping off the sea trampoline and whizzing round on pedaloes. The new time-out strategies that the SAS were using seemed to be working well - a simple raft floating well away from everyone else: cooling off had taken on a whole new meaning...

Back at base camp - a large white villa with extensive gardens, infinity pool and jacuzzi,- Lyn was busy organising Mrs C's notes for her lecture on 'Snorkelling and the world of Espionage' that she planned to give later that day. A smile hovered over her face.  Organising Mrs C's paperwork was such a delightful job: stress free and easy peasy, with everything clearly labelled, named and colour coded so that Lyn just had to put them into the appropriate files.  If only everyone could be so organised she thought...  However, she did need some more plastic wallets - and she knew where to get them from.

 In a quiet corner nearby was a small office.  Well, it has to be said that it looked more like a potting shed than an office, with it's wooden panelling and small, rather grubby windows.  Indeed, you could just make out gardening tools and bags of compost if you peered into the murky interior. But Lyn knew that was just a cover.  She'd spotted the men in black furtively entering the building - and she knew that the key was hidden under the third flower pot on the left.  Right now the men in black were all down at the harbour, surreptitiously hiring a small flotilla of boats to take the PH 'Save the World' team out to search for the missing equilibrium. Alison had gone with them to select the crews...

Lyn approached the office cautiously and slowly.  It was imperative that she wasn't seen.  Thinking fast - replaying in her head the many detective films she had watched in the last 5 years - Lyn decided to adopt the clever, yet slightly startling methods of the master sleuth - Sherlock Holmes.  She sneezed and reached into her pocket, removing a linen handkerchief with the initials PA in the corner.  But then - and this was the clever bit - she dropped the handkerchief near the flowerpot.  Yes, near the third flowerpot on the left under which the key lay!  The plan was working like clockwork. She was so pleased that all those years of dedication to the king of detectives had paid off.  But as she went to lift up the flower pot (the aforementioned 3rd from the left) she heard a voice.  And the voice said

"I wouldn't do that if I was you..."

OMG it was Chris M!  What was he doing here?  How was he involved? Lyn  was dumbstruck ( a pretty rare occurence) and it fell to Chris to get the key and open the door to the office.  

"It could be bugged", Chris whispered as the door opened.  But neither of them could supress a gasp when they saw what was inside...

Meanwhile, the snorkelling lesson had begun.  The expert in the field, Mrs C, had completed her demonstration - although sadly no one could hear her under the water.  But no matter.  Everyone loved their digital radio snorkels.  Barbara was hooked on the science channel and had already swum off to the sounds of dolphins diving.  Emma had tuned into 'Bowls 'r' Us', although she was a little disappointed to discover it offered round the clock commentary of bowls tournaments in Bognor Regis and Worthing.  Kate just loved the classic fm orchestral blasts that were coming through and Sally was groovin' and movin' to the cool toons of radio 1.  

Yep, the snorkels went down well in the end - although that made everyone splutter.  Just as long as the snorkels could recieve a GPS signal then the world would be saved, the missing equilibrium would be discovered and life could return to normality for the brave folks of PH.

But....... , there has to be a but of course........it is well known that whatever Kalkan may be famed for, it does not rank highly on receiving satelite navigation signals.  Oh yes, there are problems ahead and the missing equilibrium may not be at the fingertips of the PH 'save the world' crew as they seem to believe. And what is it with Emma and the bowls? 

Tune in on your snorkel tomorrow to hear what happens...

Love Kalkan 2011

Is this the video of the most beautiful place in Turkey?  I really don't  know as I have yet to sample most of this delicious and exotic country.  I only know that Kalkan is a unique and wonderful spot that captures hearts and minds.  So if you're afflicted by that passion this is the video for you - and if you're not  I promise (almost) that it is a final edit of Kalkan 2011.
If you love the place then you'll know why I've made it!

10 ways not to survive a full moon

After I'd crawled home this afternoon I remembered that it was a full moon tonight.

That could go some way to explaining the ringing in my ears and the use of my classroom as a racetrack today...

There are a number of stories about the 'lunar effect'  including the following:,

• Senior police officers in Brighton announced in June 2007 that they were planning to deploy more officers over the summer to counter trouble they believe is linked to the lunar cycle.
• In America, police in Toledo, Ohio and Kentucky claimed that crime rises by five percent during nights with a^] full moon.   
• In January 2008, New Zealand's Justice Minister Annette King suggested that a spate of stabbings in the country could have been caused by the lunar cycle.
• David Tredinnick, a British mp reckoned that  surgeons will not operate because blood clotting is not effective and the police have to put more people on the street.

So maybe people are generally more bonkers than usual on a full moon.  Whatever!  Here are my top tips to how not to survive a full moon.

1.  Go to bed late, after a few drinks maybe and with a caffeine rich drink, so you'll stay awake for most of the night - and have a headache in the morning.
2. Make sure it's a Monday morning, raining hard and blowing a gale.
3. Ensure your cat - or even better your neighbour's cat, who has sneaked in for a quick fight with yours - is sick in the night: double points if you step in it in the morning.
4. Get to work on time but then realise you've forgotton your glasses, your lunch, your purse, your work and your front door key.
5. Ensure computers are not working properly - though with no obvious cause.
6. Make sure you have a flickering fluorescent light in your room.  The more random and intermittent the flickers, the better.
7. The only pencils you should have must be blunt or broken.  Likewise pens should be out of ink or oozing the stuff, all over you.  No pencil sharpeners or rubbers allowed of course.
8. Suggest a fun game of Gatwick Airport to start the day off.  Don't let people choose whether or not they join in.  
9. Take a phone call during your few precious minutes of break and spend it trying to get rid of a printer cartridge salesman.  Buy 12 boxes with your own money before putting down the phone.
10. Spill your fifth cup of coffee (after the others have all gone cold) over your students newly finished work.

How to win at Greyhound racing: The Turkish method

So you want to be a winner too?  You fancy the fast cars, built in jacuzzi and luxury live-in holidays that I am now on the way to possessing?  Well, dear reader, you are in luck.  You have come to the right place without a doubt.  I am going to tell You how to win your fortune at the dog racing track.    But first you have to read all the way through this drivel awesome account of my epiphany at Hove Greyhound track in order to get to that one incy-wincy bit of information that will transform your life... the golden nugget of everlasting fortune.

Awesome and amazing are words I hear a lot of these days.  True there are other words I have recently encountered that have a less positive ring to them.  But they general start with letters later on in the alphabet like b or c or even f.  So let's stick to A. 

On the morning of my dog racing epiphany I was  dejected.  There was rain, gloominess and a complete absence of money to start with.  Then, piled on top of that little heap of miseries, were the loomings: bills, work, more bills, more work, even bigger bills... you get the picture I'm sure my friend.

But then in a moment of serendipity I came across a quote by a real 'A' list lady - Audrey Hepburn. 

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"

Well, there was I sitting looking at computer, gazing at a photo of 'that view' in Kalkan and feeling despondent about the chances of seeing it for real for a long time, when up popped this little quote.  And what a good little quote it is.  Instant sunshine followed and we celebrated by adopting Debussey Bonjour and Amadeus Redfinger from the local garden centre. 

(Debussey is still a little shy, but Amadeus, who is a bit more outogoing was pleased to have his picture taken.  There will be more from Amadeus later).  

The day progressed pleasantly and Turkey time seemed a little more possible with glimmers of ideas starting to bear a little fruit.

And so to the evening and off to Hove Greyhound Track where lovely Louise was celebrating her and Tricky's birthdays.  He was 40, she 32. (Sorry,  sometimes it's best to be factual, however inaccurate you may be.)  Out on the track the dogs proudly presented themselves to the crowd, often presenting them with a final pile of poop before rushing off after the hare.  Expectations were high and the betting was brisk.  Inside, all was mirth and merriment.  Sausages and sandwiches laughed with joy before being consumed whilst Emma eyed up the ice buckets -the bowls having been carefully locked away before she arrived.

I bet on the favourites - with lamentable results.  Nil, zilch, absolutely nothing at all in return.  But was I downhearted?  No!  I was too busy watching Elvis gyrating his way through 'Suspicious Minds'.  

However, I am now approaching the moment of my epiphany.  In just a few lines you will know how I beat the odds and what you too can do to win at the dogs.

Well, I wanted to win.  Dave was winning and it didn't seem fair.  So I threw caution to the wind and invented The Turkish method.  Go for the beautiful, the lovely and enjoy.  So I went for Droopys Audrey and Doydoys dream. (Actually it was Doidys dream but I didn't have my glasses on!)  Audrey Hepburn and Doy Doy.  An inspirational actress and my favourite restaurant in Turkey.    And they won.  Yeah!  

 

 

 

So there you have it reader.  Go for it it you like the look of it.  That is my method!  Hope it works for you...

 

The search for the missing dish - Emma goes 'bowling' in Turkey

 

Emma eyed up the cheesecake but bit into a banana instead.  Her willpower was strong and she was determined to stick to the PH super-fit, super-fab and super-funky  plan suggested by the men in black to prepare them for their mission - recovering the missing equilibrium from somewhere in the depths of Kalkan bay, Turkey, and thereby saving the world - obviously.  

The team were settling in well to their new routine.  Whilst students, accompanied by a crack SAS team led by Alison, were climbing mountains, abseiling down gorges, white water rafting and learning to sail, the staff were engaged in an equally exhausting programme learning to water ski, snorkel and appear to be lounging around doing nothing -  whilst  really being totally aware of what was going on around them.

It had been drummed into them that good nutrition was essential and the good folk of Kalkan had beem thrilled to welcome them to many of their 200 restaurants each evening to ensure they partook of a good, varied diet.  Indeed, the local restaurant owners were almost delirious with happiness when they discovered that the PH crew were carrying the rare and exotic gold and silver tokens, which they were prepared to hand over in exchange for 3 courses and a bottle of wine (each).  

But back to Emma.  This kindly soul recognised that maybe one day they would need to let their hair down and celebrate.And she was worried.  Whilst PH staff had been trained to 'share', she had noticed that this did not always apply to the food they ate.  There was a definite tendency to 'one man, one plate - (or bowl)'.  And frankly, she felt that whilst Kalkan had stores catering for jewellery, handbags, lighting and turkish delight there was a definited defecit of beautiful bowls in the town. 

She'd noticed the 'sold out' and 'back soon' signs in the local shops that sold ceramics and was aware that restaurants were increasingly providing plates to share, with waiters hovering nearby ready to snatch them back when the last morsel of ris de veau a la financiere had been finished.

What could be happening to all this crockery?  Emma was determined to find out - even though it was dangerous...

But wait!  Reader, I can not carry on at the moment.  Could it be that the situation is too dangerous?  Or maybe Mrs C has discovered a hidden hoard of plates in the dishwasher.  Whatever.  We need to put this article on hold..........

PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium

There were signs of stress when the PH crew discovered they had a 25kg weight limit for their Kalkan suitcase.  Having just a few hours to collect together essential items is just not the way to do it!  Naturally, the men in black tried to compensate for this problem with an expenses payment equivalent to a bankers bonus, but sometimes it takes more more than a few wads of dosh to ease the troubled mind; sometimes only a cocktail will do...
So what better cure for stress than a lesson in being creative with cocktails. Intended as a treat for the weight-watching drinker, I'm told that doesn't mean you can have twice as many of them...


The Kalkan Kick - or Bloody Mary plus...
It's packing time and you should be really excited, but you're feeling a little stressed as you also have a million and one other things to do:  Feed the papers, cancel the cat, water the fridge and chuck out the mouldy plants - you know the sort of thing.
So you need to focus on what's important - and that is getting in the right frame of mind.  

 You need:

• 2/3 cup  tomato juice
• Slug of  vodka*, depending on strength of drink
• 1 teaspoon prepared horseradish 
• 6 shakes Tabasco Sauce
• teaspoon of Worcestershire Sauce
• Juice of 1/2 large lime (or medium lemon)
• Salt and pepper to taste 
• Celery stalk

A few sips of this and you'll be raring to go.  Not only that but you'll find yourself trying on those fake leopard skin shorts or  bikini bottoms that you'd shuddered at only an hour before - and chucking them in your suitcase along with a voucher for cut-price paragliding off the Taurus mountains.  Well, maybe not...


The Kalkan Kiss
Maybe you're wondering what on earth you're doing going on holiday when the roof needs fixing and the cat keeps being sick down the stairs.  Perhaps you should cancel it and put the money towards a new drainpipe.

Oh no, no, no!  Take immediate action and create a Kalkan Kiss for yourself.  This may be hard to justify on the slimming count - but hey, it could save your holiday!
You need:

• A measure of tequila
• small measure of white creme de cacao
• small measure of reduced fat double cream
• a little chambord
• a few white chocolate flakes
• a few raspberries for decoration

Mix all the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker for about 15 seconds, then pour into a cocktail glass, chilled and rimmed with the chocolate flakes.  Decorate with raspberries.  (these could be part of your 5 a day and are very good for you).
Once you've enjoyed your first Kalkan Kiss you'll be ready for romance.  And Kalkan has to be one of the most romantic places in all the world.  Who needs new drainpipes anyway!