PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium - Survivors...

It was time for a reconnaisance mission - under the guise of a  jeep sightseeing day trip around Kalkan, Turkey. On the journey Glenys and Lyn had been trying very, very hard to teach everyone a few essential Turkish phrases - just so that no-one would suspect they were foreigners. Skilled in the art of recognising where their students's interests lay they used the modern, conversational approach to their tuition.

"En yakın bar nerede?" said Glenys in a slow, calm tone. The driver of their minibus screeched to a halt in the middle of the road and then reversed down the middle of the road until with a swift 270 turn he pointed the vehicle at a roadside shack and then hurled it across the road before the advancing giant articulated petrol tank had a chance to collide with them. It was an effective learning tool, one that may, or may not be suitable for the PH tool kit. There may be those for whom the phrase meaning 'Where is the nearest bar?' will be resonating every night time as they try and drop off to sleep... but there again, maybe not.

Strangely, even though no one had seemed thirsty before -it was only mid morning - all the PH crew seemed ready to down the cocktail that was quickly whipped up for them when they slithered out of their jeep. Renamed in honour of the occasion, I proudly present - 'The Survivor'.



The Survivor Cocktail

Survivor ingredients:
to be served in a tall glass with plenty of ice.

I dollop of Light Rum (1.5 oz. / 4.5 cl)

Small dollop of Creme de Cacao (White) (0.25 oz. / 8 ml)

Good swig of Pineapple Juice (1 oz. / 3.0 cl)

A small swig of Lime Juice (0.25 oz. / 8 ml)

The barman asked Emma for help in finding the glasses and then proceeded to mix The Survivor.  

Here are the instructions.
Fill a shaker half full with ice cubes. Pour all ingredients into shaker and shake well. Fill a tumbler almost full of ice cubes, and strain drink into tumbler.


But this wasn't enough for Kate and Emily. They wanted more, more, more!  The adventure was only just beginning.

So the barman, skilled in the art of chatting up tourists told them about an amazing trip he'd made to South America - surviving untold hardships after capsizing and being held to ransom half way down the Amazon. He managed to escape and made his way, alone, to Peru.

This, apparenly was his ticket to freedom: the drink that sent his captors to sleep.  The Sol Survivor.

The Sol Survivor  is made from gin, watermelon, cucumber, lime, agave, and  a touch of mint and is as perfect in Kalkan as it is in Peru! 

We must leave the PH crew now to finish their reconoitering as well as the drinks they have lined up for themselves on the table.  Speak softly for they will awaken with a headache...

PH and the mystery of the missing equilibrium

Mrs C knew something was amiss when she bounded into the staffroom with her picnic hamper. The room was silent. There was no-one there. The table was tidy, empty apart from a piece of paper. She checked underneath – still nobody. Slightly frowning she felt her way to the fridge and took out her glasses; then she read the note.

‘URGENT TOP-SECRET MEETING IN HALL – 8.45 am PROMPT’.

It was 8.48 and Mrs C was a bit late. Relieved that at least she wouldn’t have to eat all the cheese scones, apple and damson pies and bottles of ginger beer that she had packed in her hamper Mrs C made her way to the kettle for a soothing cup of tea. She wasn’t stupid. She knew something was up and she knew that the mind clearing qualities of a well-brewed lemon and ginger tea would help her laser sharp brain to start functioning properly. So pausing only to refrigerate her home made produce she made her way to the hall. It was 8.57 am.

There were 5 men in black standing in the hall. The staff were sitting in a semi-circle facing them. More silence. A bright light shone on a white screen on the wall and everyone was staring at it. Hmm images but no sound – again. Ms Morley was on the case though. No-one could make a computer work the way Suzanne did. Maybe it was her high-tec tool kit that she kept strapped to her person, ready for any eventuality or maybe it was the commanding vibes she exuded – ‘you are a computer and you will work for me’. Either way, as Mrs C slipped, almost unnoticed into a chair beside Mrs Mojab the computer leapt into action and one of the men in black started to speak.

“Ladies and gentlemen”, he began, removing his dark glasses to create a closer connection with his audience. “We find ourselves in troubled times and only you can help us”. He paused for effect and indeed it was clear that he had the staff’s full attention. Louise had stopped texting and Carolyn put her list of Italian verbs to one side. Behind them Nigel opened his eyes, whilst Alison and Sally hid the notes they were passing to one another.

“Time is not on our side. We have just six weeks to find and restore the equilibrium of life itself before it is too late”.

Well, whatever the staff had expected to hear, it wasn’t that. Murmurs of puzzlement buzzed through the crowd. Emma looked bewildered, Louise started texting again; even Gayle looked confused. Emily stopped writing and raised her hand. Was she going to ask the question that had been going through their minds?

“How man 'L's are there in curriculum?” Well, maybe not. But then came a voice from the back of the hall. “Excuse me!” There was, as I say a voice, but no person. That was weird. Then there was a rattle. “Excuse me! Can someone help?” There was someone in the kitchen – in fact it sounded as if there were several people in the kitchen and they were trapped!!!!

The 3 Chris's – and a James were instantly on the case. Years of team training were evident in the way they tackled the emergency. Chris V vaulted out of the window (luckily open), whilst Chris M and Chris E took hold of either side of the metal shutter. Meanwhile James sprinted out the hall door to fetch the key. Within seconds the situation – potentially very nasty – was resolved as Lynn, Jill and Barbara managed to open the catch and pull the shutter up. Everyone stood and beamed!

“This is just what we need – teamwork!” boomed one of the men in black. “If I may carry on...” The staff were quiet ( a first, probably) as the man from the government – for that is what he was – started to explain the terrible position that they found themselves in. The equilibrium of life was a secret document, signed by the leaders of all nations and so far it had kept most of the world from killing each other. But the document – on a flash pen (Play, £16.99) had been lost when the politician looking after it had been on holiday. Without it, the world could go nuts and Britain could do nothing. There was another factor too that would mean the UK's fall into disgrace and anarchy would be complete. Spooks was to finish. The last ever series was to be aired that autumn. When that went what would the British people do? It didn't bear thinking about...

But what had PH to do with this? Man in Black 3 smirked, clicked his fingers and there, on the screen was Kalkan bay and Snake Island, Turkey. The staff gasped. They'd seen this image so many times on Mrs C's white board. This bay is where the flashpen was lost – (luckily encased in a waterproof case).

“We need you, as a team, to get it back for us. So we are sending the whole school on this mission. Your students will think it is a new trans-European (and into Asia) project of course – but you will be undertaking a venture that is so important and unbelievable that if you were to mention it to anyone they would laugh at you. Your plane leaves in 6 hours. Pack your snorkels. This autumn term will be very different....”.

Tasty Turkish treats in Kalkan

Kalkan, Turkey does food really well - and that's understating it. Looking back at my recent stay here these are ten of my top tasty morsels in some of our favourite places. The pictures show the places. not necessarily the food.  This is because we tended to leap, slavering onto the delicious grub when it was brought to us and only thought about pictures when we'd finished eating!
1. Iced cherries - Doy Doy

Iced cherries on the bar.  Charli, Koray, Caroline, Clare and Dave behind.

2. steak salad - kulube beach restaurant

Kulube beach club restaurant - 10 m from sea and sunbeds - perfect place, perfect food.

3. Sea bass with blue cheese sauce - Doy Doy

True, no food again - but you can see we were happy and well fed!

4. Kebab takeaway from Cafe Vita

Cafe Vita had some great food and we loved our take-away

5. jaipur chicken curry, steak with stilton sauce and salmon with mustard sauce - Saffron

This pic doesn't do Saffron justice - must find another.  The food was excellent here

6. breakfast at Sulleyman's - Sulleyman

Sulleyman was our taxi driver who invited us to his home for a Turkish breakfast. Wonderful

8. chicken shish kebab - bread and more

Such a fun night - great floor show!

9 seafood tagliatelle - Fener cafe

Loved Fener cafe and our lovely waiter.  He came from Efes, Izmir!

10 broccoli soup and other delicious things - Doy Doy

Hey!  That was our wine!!!

How I fought a big bad bite in Kalkan, Turkey

This is the strange tale of my right leg's holiday in Kalkan, Turkey recently.

I have taken preparation for my holiday seriously this year.  Not in any practical saving money for it sense, sadly.  Rather in losing lots of weight so that I look and feel better.  This has involved going cycling lots amongst other things.  And that is what I did a month ago in Devon and again a few weeks ago in Brighton on the Downs.

I felt quite pleased with myself by the week I went on holiday.  I'd lost several stone and felt pretty fit and toned.
However, there was a little problem developing.  The weekend before my cycle ride on the Downs I'd woken up one morning with a small but very itchy bite on my leg.  I thought it was probably a mosquito - awful things.  I must admit I scratched a bit, but not excessively.
On the cycle ride I drove through numerous cow pats and other lovely country things, replaced my chain, helped others do stuff with their bikes and generally got stuck in.  I can't say I noticed my bite at all.
Then on Wednesday - 12 hours before I was due to set off to Turkey on my holidays I noticed my bite was feeling itchier and looking a little red.  Hmm.  I decided to go to the doctors to be on the safe side before I zoomed off.  The doctor reckoned the bite was showing signs of infection and rather apologetically prescribed some antibiotics for the first week of my holiday.  Hmm, not great but they weren't going to stop me enjoying myself.
So a few hours later, in the middle of the night, we set off for Gatwick.  I'd managed to grab a few hours sleep, but my leg did not feel any better.  By the time I got on the plane the swelling had started to spread and my leg felt rather hot and uncomfortable.  Still, I knew the drugs would kick in soon.
This was my leg after about 3 hours on the plane.  Flying was probably not what my leg really needed, although it seemed ok at the time.
We arrived at Dalaman airport at midday and strangely it was hot, hot hot!!!!  Luckily the transfer we'd booked to take us to Kalkan turned out to be a very comfortable BMW with loads of leg room.  I covered my leg with a cool damp flannel, but my leg was getting hotter and swelling more.  Also I noticed that a few blisters were developing.  In all we travelled for about 6 hours - 4 on the plane and 2 in the car.
By the time we arrived at our apartment in Kalkan I really wanted a swim to cool down.  The pool looked so inviting.
But what to do about my leg?  One of the blisters had really expanded.  However, it didn't hurt and I needed a dip So I covered it with a dressing and a plaster cast covering we happened to have - my son having broken his arm a few years before.  This worked a treat, protecting the other guests from the sight of my nasty bite and keeping it dry and clean.
However, the blister continued to grow - as did the swelling in my leg.  It didn't stop us going out for a meal, but it was getting a little uncomfortable to walk up and down the steep hills of Kalkan - particularly the up bits naturally!

By nearly the end of the evening my leg looked like this:  I couldn't believe how much the blister had swelled up and I was concerned at how red my leg was.  Naturally I was worried about the blister bursting - the skin was stretched so tight, but luckily it still didn't hurt.  It reminded me of one of those shiny bars of posh soap you sometimes get...  I put my leg up and then suddenly my daughter said what was that.  She had felt moisture on her legs.  When I looked down, the blister had burst and there was fluid all over the balcony.  Yukk!!!!!
However, it was bed time so I kept taking the tablets and slept with my leg on a pillow.  I was sure it would all look much better by the morning.

B
But that was not to be.  By the morning it was just as swollen and getting redder.  Also there were more blisters forming on my lower leg.  I was worried.
Luckily our rep was available and very kindly took me to the local clinic.  The unfortunate news was that he was called away just before I was due to see the doctor.  Not a word was spoken but eventually I realised he was asking me to get out of his surgery and let his nurses dress it, whilst he saw a real patient - but not before I'd laid down on his couch which is what I thought he wanted!
The nurses had big needles and lots of pots of orange and purple potions.  There were quite a few blisters by this point and they popped them all, which worried me a little.  They then applied loads of gunk to my leg - but it still didn't hurt much.  After that they wrapped it up so it looked a bit like this.

Luckily, I had my plaster cast cover and I was still able to go in the pool - carefully.  However, the instructions were to keep it covered with the gunk for the day and then remove the dressings.  By now I was getting plenty of advise from people as to how to deal with it and I also consulted the internet and all its quackeries to see what I should do.  I was worried.  I had visions of losing my leg, or worse, to that nasty flesh eating bug and I felt that the antibiotics had not had much impact - it was 2 days by now since I'd started taking them.  However, local advice from several Turkish and English people was to go swimming in the sea so that the salt could start to dry out the wound.  And the following day that's exactly what I did.
Luckily the sea round Kalkan is crystal clear and beautifully clean.  So I grabbed my snorkel and off I went.

My leg looked like this after the blisters had burst and stayed a bit like that - with some added orange and purple colouring for a day or two. Blisters seemed to develop and ooze, which was lovely for everyone!

But after my first swim in the sea there was a noticeable improvement.  My leg looked less angry and the swelling had subsided a little.

 The same thing happened after the next swim, and the next.   It stung a bit when I climbed into the sea, but that must have been the salt doing it's work!  My leg was starting to return to normal.  My antibiotics ran out after a week and I decided not to take another course that the Turkish doctor had given me, as I felt he didn't understand I was already taking some.  Plus, it seemed on the mend.
As the weeks drew on my leg improved enormously, almost visibly subsiding when I came out the sea.  However, I had one nasty experience to come.  One day as I was walking towards the sea a dog appeared - a pet of some Turkish guests at a local hotel.  He saw me and barked rather aggressively and then came up to me and started licking my leg.  I thought he was going to bite it.  The owner took  no notice and I had to almost kick him away with the help of a nearby waiter,  before the dog would leave me alone.  But I survived intact!
It still hasn't completely healed over two weeks later, but it's getting there.  It looks more of a burn than a bite and I am curious as to how and why all this happened.  I reckon that dirt got into the bite when I was on my cycle ride - but I could be wrong.  Either way it was a little added interest on my holiday and it really didn't spoil anything at all.
Kalkan is wonderful and I love it and lots of the people there.  In fact I love it almost as much as my right leg - but not quite!

What your beach towel says about you!

How lucky are you!  Turkey has never seen the like of this before.  Meet  Kalkan's newest phenomenon. More mysterious than Mystic Meg, more extraordinarily talented than an X factor contestant ( in round 1); please  welcome Mademoiselle Serviette Deplage. With a swift rub-a-dub-dub  her quite amazing powers  will leave you lost for words. So here, on Enjoy Kalkan,  discover what your beach towel says about you!

Twister Towel

You’re fun loving and sociable, with a taste for a little friendly competition!  Kalkan is the perfect resort for you - its welcoming and happy atmosphere will be spot on.  Twister towel lovers, you  might enjoy a spin round the bay on a banana boat or pedalo from  Kalamar Bay beach club.  I  also forsee you loving the twists and turns of a trip to the Saklikent Gorge.  If possible, put off any planning applications for a month or two as you may find yourself tied up with red tape. Your lucky colour is yellow and the letter K will be important to you.

The Twister towel is one of a number of great beach towels available (at time of writing) from Paramountzone.com .

Toy Story towel

It’s all about friendship and good times for you!  You love excitement and prefer to be leaping in the infinity pool or diving in the sea rather than lazing around.  Good for you!  Using up all that energy will mean you’ll be ready for a hearty lunch or a slap up meal in the evenings - and where better than one of Kalkan’s many wonderful restaurants.  I see smiles wherever you go in Kalkan.  Your lucky number is 3 and you will meet someone special with a Y in their name.
Toy story towel available online from Asda.com

Pirate towel

It’s up the main sail and out to sea for you.  Your heart is craving hidden treasure and you have no time to waste.  So get down to Kalkan harbour and decide which of the boats will be your vessel for the day and get exploring!  You may want to go a little further afield and explore an ancient sunken Lycian city in the Kekova area.  Dive in and swim in those ancient crystal clear waters - awesome. Your lucky colour is red and you will find the letter S is important to you.

Wandering Hands Towel

You're in the mood for love and romance.  Kalkan has it in spades, so this could be your lucky holiday!  Why not treat yourself to a turkish bath to get yourself into perfect condition for when Cupid decides to strike!  Your lucky number is 2 and you will meet someone with an O or U in their name.

Hippy towel

You want peace: world peace and individual peace, inner and outer peace - just peace. Kalkan is for you.  Stretch your towel out - somewhere with a beautiful view of that bay, not hard in Kalkan, and just go for it.  Let peace overtake you.  Then, when you’re fully chilled go forth and spread the message of peace and love throughout Kalkan - in the bars and restaurants, bazaar and beach clubs.  You may well notice just how successfully you’ve spread the word. Your lucky colour is white and you will find happiness and maybe a friendship bracelet somewhere starting with the letter D.

Wads of dosh towel

Time to polish up your medalion and get your latest Rolex on. You need to go places and get spending!  I suggest you start at the Thursday market in Kalkan, where you will find a huge selection of jewellery and 'genuine fake' designer sunglassses and watches to perfect your image.  I forsee you promenading along the harbourside in the evenings. a truly dazzling sight to behold.  Restaurant choices abound in Kalkan so maybe could choose a different one each night before hitting the dance floor later. The letters M, C and I could be lucky for you, particularly after midnight.

Mademoiselle Serviette Deplage will return soon with some more amazing beach towel forecasts.
She is even offering some free reading for any Kalkan lovers who would like one. Simply log on to the Enjoy Kalkan forum and send a picture (or even a description) to be professionally analysed by Mademoiselle Serviette Depl

Kalkan - Love at first sight

The Kalkan Phenomenom - Love at first sight
view from the rooftop bar of Tera Mare's  Kalamar Meltem Apartments**

There's clearly something about Kalkan, Turkey that encourages love at first sight.  You can tell just by looking around at people. There they are, lets call them A and B for simplicity.
A and B are sitting having a drink in a bar, chatting to each other, as you do - probably about the weather or the price of stamps; all perfectly normal stuff that takes place all over the world.  But then suddenly, just as A (quite likely a man) is explaining why it is utterly ridiculous that there are no postboxes around and people shouldn't be expected to walk all the way to the post office to send a card he notices that B (probably a woman) is gazing at a spot about half a mile behind his right ear, with a most peculiar expression on her face,  Concerned, A stops in mid rant to ask B if she is alright, and B - with a gentle sigh and contented smile mutters that everything is absolutely perfect, possibly adding a comment about the blueness of the sea or the general loveliness of, well everything... And that's happening all the time here.  It's understandable, even predictable - this beautiful little place is out to capture hearts and souls and has all the charms to succeed in this.
So what is it about Kalkan that  makes it so uniquely perfect?  There is important research into the Kalkan phenomenon with a growing band of people willing to sacrifice their time to investigate the causes of Love at First Sight in Kalkan.  You may even notice some of these undercover operators if you visit Kalkan this year.  Stationed across the village in restaurants, bars, beach clubs, and around the harbour these people may appear to be doing very little apart from drinking in the atmosphere - or drinking up their ice cold Efes.  But don’t be deceived - they are working.  It’s a tough job but someone has to do it...
You may be wondering how you too could sign up for this project.  Researchers are in constant demand - after all, statistics tell us that 89% of all surveys can not be verified scientifically because they are too small*.  So how can you get selected for this role?
Firstly, the Love at First sight in Kalkan project does not just take anyone.  You must demonstrate your training and qualifications for this position.  Observational skills are paramount and I suggest three ways of honing these.

1. The infinity pool lookout.   Practise this one several times a day until you have perfected it (could take years though).  Float at the side of the pool, with elbows on the poolside - apparently gazing at nothing but that view of the bay.  Drink in the view.  Thus positioned you are ready to report on any changes at sea, like the sun glistening on a passing boat or something.  It could be important, or not.  Variations on this approach are useful.  You may find that lilo manoeuvres (in pool or sea) can be similarly effective observational platforms.
2. Bar and restaurant work. Again, this may take years and years of undercover work to get a full picture of what is going on in Kalkan.  I suggest you try out a number of different bars and restaurants,  sitting at different places, observing the Kalkan way of life and making mental notes.  Please don't write anything down as it may get into the wrong hands.  Who knows what someone else might do with this research.  It is important to keep yourself hydrated and healthy during this arduous training so ensure you always have a full glass of something - maybe an Efes, an ice cold glass of rose or even an apple tea - ready to hand.

3. Mingling with the publicThe important thing is here is don't let yourself be spotted.  As a researcher you need to blend in seamlessly and appear to be just another happy person in Kalkan land.  So go shopping and spend, spend, spend!   What better way is there to appear that you are not just loitering and observing than by buying beautiful and essential items such as jewellery, leather bound books or beautiful lampshades.  You know it makes sense.

Are you still interested - knowing that this challenging training needs time and commitment if you are to get it right?  Good.  Well get training and I'll let you know the next steps very soon...
* based on a ten day study of holiday habits conducted under blazing sun with four participants, one of whom couldn't do the maths...
**Extensive range of accommodation available on Enjoy Kalkan website including some of  the Kalamar Meltem Apartments.