PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium - The Secrets of the Picnic Hamper

It was a balmy 25 degrees at sundown  and the staff were assembled around the pool in their temporary headquarters in Kalkan, Turkey.  The sea was still that blissful blue and was dotted with gulets and yachts cruising back to harbour or still idling in the bay.

It was quiet apart from the chink of ice in restorative Mojitos  and Tequilla Sunrises - the men in black had insisted that on this mission the 5 a day needed to include fruit (or mint) soaked in some sort of alcohol.  However, there were those who had downed their medicinal cocktail quickly and had now moved on to some ice cold Efes, the local beer.
Mrs C was beaming around, as she polished off her second Pina Colada (lots of pineapple chunks): her picnic hamper was now centre stage and she was thrilled to think that Rebecca, Angela and Suzanne were about to start waxing lyrical about her damson and apple chutney which was one of the delights contained within it.

So it was Mrs C who led the enthusiastic round of applause when the afforementioned people stood up.   It was also Mrs C who let out a howl of anguish when Rebecca opened the hamper - and the chutney was nowhere to be seen.  Neither were the apple and damson pies, the ginger beer or the cheese scones.  All gone, gone, gone...
In their place were  a collection of luxury grocery items from a well known store.  This was not just any hamper, this was an extra-special, top of the range Marks and Spencers hamper. There were bottles of champagne, boxes of chocolates, tins of biscuits and jars of all manner of things: olives, jam, apricots and brandy... Everyone was mmming - except Mrs C, who had reached for a restorative Horse's Neck (brandy and ginger) to get over the shock. Carolyn was already edging over to the luxury dark chocolate box. But then Rebecca shushed the crowd and started to speak.
"Friends and comrades, I shall say this only once",  she spoke in an awfully commanding tone. "As you know we are not here on holiday, but on a mission". (Slight buzz of disappointment in the crowd at that point).
"Saving the world will be tough, but  someone has to do it - and we are the chosen ones.... DON'T open that" Rebecca shouted as Carolyn eased the chocs out of the hamper.  Crestfallen she put them back, murmuring something about needing to eat to keep blood sugar levels high.

"This in not just an M and S food hamper.  This is an M and S extra special secret agent hamper, containing all you need for a good week's spying and espionage activities. 
Angela took out the chocolate box that Carolyn had had her eye on.  "This for example contains not chocolates but explosive devices that can be used to open doors -although, it is not intended for when you've lost your keys at 4 am". She appeared to be glaring at Kate, Emily, Nigel, James and assorted Chris's at this point, who had celebrated their first night in Kalkan quite loudly the night before...

Suzanne took over, showing the staff one of the champagne bottles.  "These extraordinary devices serve 3 functions,  Firstly, you will notice that the cork is quite long.  This is because it isn't just a cork, it's 3 extra-special cork bullets that can be used in times of emergency.  You can also unscrew the cork and your bottle can then be turned into a telescope with 3 simple moves".  More Russian gymnast than English runner at this point Suzanne performed her routine at lightning speed and 30 seconds later the champagne bottle looked like this.

"The third function of these champagne bottles is to provide essential hydration here in Turkey.  It can get pretty hot here." The staff nodded, they had noticed this tendency.  "These bottles contain the finest champagne, but it has been genetically modified so that it will hydrate you, keeping you healthy and happy for hours - all good, no bad side effects!"  Suzanne took a swig and demonstrated how great if made her feel with a quick handspring and one and a half twist sumersault into the infinity pool. 

When she came up (scoring 8.7 - shame about the bent leg) she signalled to Angela to carry on.  There was a gasp as Angela opened a tin of chocolate biscuits and produced the most unexpected item so far from the picnic hamper.  It was an M and S extra special snorkel set, in dark green with matching fins. "Tomorrow, you will be taught how to use this device.  Until then rest, relax - go out for dinner.  Enjoy yourself in Kalkan.  For who knows what tomorrow will bring."

PH and the mystery of the missing equilibrium - Operation Turkey Wings

John had been told to pack for Turkey time and was therefore filling the 2 minibuses with sage and onion stuffing and chipolatas.  At first it had been assumed that the students would be travelling to the airport in the buses, but the new policy on cycling for life had decreed that they should get on their bikes to get to Gatwick.  So with Emma at the head and Chris M bringing up the rear the school had set off  'en crocodile' up the A23.  Luckily they had the SAS escort with them and Alison, having selflessly agreed to look after them all, had gone along as well with her tea flask in the basket on the front of her bike.  

Back at school the remaining staff were having a well-deserved cocktail prior to setting off incognito to the airport.  For security reasons it had been decided that it would be to dangerous for the teachers to be seen with all the students, so after consultation they'd been instructed to go in disguise, as a hen party. Mrs C had reminded them that method acting was the key to a good performance and had ordered a private bar - with barman to ensure they could keep up the act.  The stretch limos were a great touch and with barely a tear in their eye at the thought of having to leave the lovely PH building they all piled in and drove off.

Rachel and Natalie - being the experts in all things geographical - pored over the maps of Kalkan bay that they had brought with them.  Aided by Nigel they worked out how they could lie unnoticed on a beach but still, between them have a clear view of whatever may be going on around them.

Louise C passed round a few more cocktails, ensuring everyone was aware of the possible effects of exceeding the safe limit of alcohol.  She patiently explained to Gayle and Louise W that things weren't always what they seemed.  Orange drinks weren't orange squash necessarily, clear drinks weren't always water and Jack Daniels was not a little dog.  But the ladies just had to be sure.  Curiosity is such a wonderful thing and leads to so many new experiences!

Thus it was that the Gatwick pepperami watchers had two unique photo opportunities that September afternoon.  The loud mouthed, badly behaved ones were herded onto their private plane, whilst the students settled themselves down for a four hour flight on their Easy Jet carrier - with pay to use loos and free sickbags!

But, all the while the clock was ticking.  The missing equilibrium was still somewhere in a Turkish bay and the temperature was rising for all those people travelling to Kalkan from Gatwick.  Could PH save the day?  Would they let PH into the country?  What on earth will happen next???? 

PH and the Mystery of the Missing Equilibrium - chapter 2

A Risky Business

It is common knowledge that a school without a weather forecaster is taking a huge risk.  For that reason PH knew they were extraordinarily lucky to have Karen around.  Although her speciality was snow, she was also pretty gifted in the 'rain or shine' department  and she was most enlightening when called upon to forecast the likely weather conditions in Turkey in September.

"There will be sunshine here, here and here.  The staff cheered in appreciation of her clear forecast and the absence of any clouds, rain or wind.  But still,  Natalie was probably voicing the concerns of several members of staff when she asked a question.
"Karen", she started nervously - then gained confidence in her voice. "Karen, what are the chances of snow in Kalkan?  I need to know as I'm concerned about my packing.  Do I take my leg warmers for Zumba sessions - or not?"
The staff listened on every word with bated breath.  There was a long, long pause as Karen thought hard.
"No leg warmers needed!"  She said at last. "The chances of snow are 0.0002%."
Jill looked doubtful, but everyone else whooped and cheered as the good news echoed around the hall.


There was nothing that Jill liked better than a risk assessment form.  PH humoured her and ensured that she spent her days - and many nights - calculating the likelihood of little Johnny being hit by a conker if he went and had a quick fag in the park next door.  However, the challenge that she had just been set my the men in black was a little awesome and for once Jill was struck dumb.  She shouldn't have worried though.  The men in black had it all covered.

"It is vital that you are not tied down by red tape", said man in black 4 to the still slightly stunned staff of PH as they held a pre-flight briefing meeting.
"You will be accompanied by our crack team of SAS troops, 50 of them to be precise. All of them highly trained in martial arts, espionage and teaching reading between the lines to teenagers."  The sigh of relief was most audible from Mrs C and Mrs Mojab.  "They have also been chosen so that they fit well into the local environment - bronzed holiday makers, fit young waiters... you know the types - rippling six packs,strawberry blonde hair,  brown eyes you can melt in...".

At this point he was interrupted by Kate who had been trying to contact all the parents to tell them about the new arrangements for the school term.  "I keep being asked can the students use their tokens in Turkey and what sort of exchange rate will they get.  Can you help?"

Gayle, was up on her feet in a second and with a flourish produced a sack of gold tokens.  She looked so proud - and rightly so.  Not many schools have gold tokens - international currency that can be awarded all over the world to students who have worked hard and been respectful to others.  How they gleamed.  How beautiful they were.  How satisfying to know that students would be able to exchange them for ice creams, postcards or bottles of vodka in the old bazaar  in Kalkan.

But reader, we must leave PH for the moment - otherwise they will never get to the airport.  My what a flight this will be.  Come back soon to hear all about it....

PH and the mystery of the missing equilibrium

Mrs C knew something was amiss when she bounded into the staffroom with her picnic hamper. The room was silent. There was no-one there. The table was tidy, empty apart from a piece of paper. She checked underneath – still nobody. Slightly frowning she felt her way to the fridge and took out her glasses; then she read the note.

‘URGENT TOP-SECRET MEETING IN HALL – 8.45 am PROMPT’.

It was 8.48 and Mrs C was a bit late. Relieved that at least she wouldn’t have to eat all the cheese scones, apple and damson pies and bottles of ginger beer that she had packed in her hamper Mrs C made her way to the kettle for a soothing cup of tea. She wasn’t stupid. She knew something was up and she knew that the mind clearing qualities of a well-brewed lemon and ginger tea would help her laser sharp brain to start functioning properly. So pausing only to refrigerate her home made produce she made her way to the hall. It was 8.57 am.

There were 5 men in black standing in the hall. The staff were sitting in a semi-circle facing them. More silence. A bright light shone on a white screen on the wall and everyone was staring at it. Hmm images but no sound – again. Ms Morley was on the case though. No-one could make a computer work the way Suzanne did. Maybe it was her high-tec tool kit that she kept strapped to her person, ready for any eventuality or maybe it was the commanding vibes she exuded – ‘you are a computer and you will work for me’. Either way, as Mrs C slipped, almost unnoticed into a chair beside Mrs Mojab the computer leapt into action and one of the men in black started to speak.

“Ladies and gentlemen”, he began, removing his dark glasses to create a closer connection with his audience. “We find ourselves in troubled times and only you can help us”. He paused for effect and indeed it was clear that he had the staff’s full attention. Louise had stopped texting and Carolyn put her list of Italian verbs to one side. Behind them Nigel opened his eyes, whilst Alison and Sally hid the notes they were passing to one another.

“Time is not on our side. We have just six weeks to find and restore the equilibrium of life itself before it is too late”.

Well, whatever the staff had expected to hear, it wasn’t that. Murmurs of puzzlement buzzed through the crowd. Emma looked bewildered, Louise started texting again; even Gayle looked confused. Emily stopped writing and raised her hand. Was she going to ask the question that had been going through their minds?

“How man 'L's are there in curriculum?” Well, maybe not. But then came a voice from the back of the hall. “Excuse me!” There was, as I say a voice, but no person. That was weird. Then there was a rattle. “Excuse me! Can someone help?” There was someone in the kitchen – in fact it sounded as if there were several people in the kitchen and they were trapped!!!!

The 3 Chris's – and a James were instantly on the case. Years of team training were evident in the way they tackled the emergency. Chris V vaulted out of the window (luckily open), whilst Chris M and Chris E took hold of either side of the metal shutter. Meanwhile James sprinted out the hall door to fetch the key. Within seconds the situation – potentially very nasty – was resolved as Lynn, Jill and Barbara managed to open the catch and pull the shutter up. Everyone stood and beamed!

“This is just what we need – teamwork!” boomed one of the men in black. “If I may carry on...” The staff were quiet ( a first, probably) as the man from the government – for that is what he was – started to explain the terrible position that they found themselves in. The equilibrium of life was a secret document, signed by the leaders of all nations and so far it had kept most of the world from killing each other. But the document – on a flash pen (Play, £16.99) had been lost when the politician looking after it had been on holiday. Without it, the world could go nuts and Britain could do nothing. There was another factor too that would mean the UK's fall into disgrace and anarchy would be complete. Spooks was to finish. The last ever series was to be aired that autumn. When that went what would the British people do? It didn't bear thinking about...

But what had PH to do with this? Man in Black 3 smirked, clicked his fingers and there, on the screen was Kalkan bay and Snake Island, Turkey. The staff gasped. They'd seen this image so many times on Mrs C's white board. This bay is where the flashpen was lost – (luckily encased in a waterproof case).

“We need you, as a team, to get it back for us. So we are sending the whole school on this mission. Your students will think it is a new trans-European (and into Asia) project of course – but you will be undertaking a venture that is so important and unbelievable that if you were to mention it to anyone they would laugh at you. Your plane leaves in 6 hours. Pack your snorkels. This autumn term will be very different....”.

Doy Doy and the Silver Wedding Do

A night to remember - for all the right reasons... and a few others too!

A walk in the night

It was 1am and I needed to go home - home being the Lukka apartment in Kalamar Bay. Dave and Charli had gone on ahead and Caroline was off out with her friend. So I left Doy Doy with hardly a backward glance at the harbour, still shimmering with the reflected lights from all the restaurants and bars,and started to climb the hill through old Kalkan.
It was still hot - maybe 26 degrees - but the breeze seemed to pick up as I trudged upwards; some relief for attempting Cardiac Hill after an evening of fine food and wine. The dogs were awake now, although I clearly wasn't there first choice of companion, with no morsel of food on my person.
The shops were closing up for the night and the magical displays of brightly coloured lanterns were disappearing one after the other, so that Kalkan took on an altogether different quality from the bustling bazaar that I knew and loved. It was quiet and slightly mysterious, with dark alcoves and hidden twists and turns. It felt rather like a Turkish Hogwarts; Hagrid would love it here.
At the taxi rank the drivers were sitting around playing cards and I hestitated. I really wasn't that tired and my mind was racing. It was only a mile or so to Kalamar Bay and it felt cool enough to walk it. So I set off - on level ground this time - along the road to Kalamar.
Most of the restaurants still had a few people sitting around in them, although the waiters were clearing up; stacking chairs and washing tables. I passed the Chinese restaurant with it's glowing red lanterns and Bread & More,  from where Turkish chatter sprang from the few folk  huddled round the bar.  A dog from the restaurant crossed the road towards me, tail wagging, clearly in anticipation of some kind of treat from me.  A few kind words didn't really fit the bill but he seemed a well brought up, friendly dog and he nodded at me in polite acceptance of my attempt at communication.  I walked on, up the hill past hotels and villas, most of which were closed up for the night.  Silent swimming pools glimmered in car lights as taxis hurtled past. Up above a million stars sparkled in a clear moonlit sky.   Human life seemed to be vanishing to be replaced by the sights and sounds of a Turkish night.
I turned left, down a little lane that I believed cut through to our apartment.  All was dark here and I did wonder whether I ought to stick to the main road.  But this was Kalkan, beautiful, quiet, safe Kalkan, so I had a quick slurp from my bottle of water and carried on. The breeze had stilled and it felt as if the air was holding it's breath, waiting for something.  Ahead of me lay a dirt road with scraggly bushes to the right of  it and the tall stone wall of a villa on the left.  Shadows bled into darkness and the branches of a tree I passed under rustled suddenly. I walked a little faster, feeling this was not my place to be at the moment.  Then I heard footsteps.  There was definitely someone behind me.
I quickened my step, not daring to look behind, not daring to picture the scenes that wanted to enter my head.   I couldn't hear anything any more, apart from my heartbeat and the swish of my bag rubbing against my side as I increased my pace again.  Something caught my eye.  Up ahead, I saw a moving light speeding across the sky - a shooting star.  Oh I should have made a wish I know, but it was a prayer that I was uttering to myself at that point.  And then I heard a bark.  Just one - that was enough.  I turned to see the dog from the restaurant  standing about 20 yards away.  It had something in it's mouth -  A flip flop. He was carrying one of my daughters flip flops that I'd ended up putting in my bag when she changed into her oh so practical high heels!
The dog triumphantly carried the flip flop all the way back to the apartment for me, tail wagging constantly and clearly proud of his good deed.  What a dog!  What a place!  I just thanked my lucky star I was in Kalkan.  Where else!

The best way to wake yourself up.